Love You, Goodbye.

Recently I read a book that enchanted me. I fell in love with it. So naturally I read it again. That led to me finding out, more so realizing, a lot and I thought I will write about it as well.

We all have relationships that ends after a while. When I say relationships it includes every type that exists adding to the romantic ones. Like a college classmate with whom you never really hung out but spoke your heart out in the campus. That might have been one of the things you looked forward to everyday. But the same connection is not felt once the college is over and eventually you tend to forget all about it. Have you wondered why? I have too. The loss of contact doesn’t mean the past didn’t mean anything. It’s just that time and distance does that to people.

There’s a kind which is possible mostly in a romantic relationship. Starting something that you know will end. You may meet someone in the most unexpected moment and cross lines that you shouldn’t have. If you are someone like me, then you won’t be counting the number of days left, you’ll be planning to make the memorable. If you’re the other type, then you’ll just worry about what is going to happen when it ends. You choose to cross that line because that person would have made your heart skip a beat or stop your universe for a second, every time you see them. Knowing that someone can’t be your endgame and yet trying to create a memory for a life time. And the heartbreak you feel even after 20 years just by thinking about it and the hate you have towards yourself for wanting them even after 20 years.

This reminds me of a few lines from the poem “An Eye, Open” by Paul Celan.

Aching depth of the eyeball:

the lid

does not stand in its way, the lash

does not count what goes in.

The tear, half,

the sharper lens, movable,

brings the images home to you.

There are also consequences for yielding into “one last time”. The people who meant the most once will cease to exist in real life except in our memories. Memories fade too. There’s also losing a best friend because of a silly fight or a weird conspiracy and then wondering were they even your friend? That one uncle in the family who is never invited to anything, though everyone talks about him not being invited. Biding good-bye to someone after a lot of crazy fun and fights for some time, because after a while you realized that it was more about their fun and not your’s. Moving on from those good byes are the hardest. And the most difficult separation? when two of you best friends break up after being relationship goals for years and you have third wheeled them forever, you can’t choose one of them. It’s like you also went through a breakup somehow and realizing that the three of you won’t be together in the same room anymore in this lifetime. It sucks.

Apparently all this is called life and it happens for a reason; We should look forward and keep moving on. This is what I found out from reading that book. Biding goodbye to people we love is life? I can probably never come to terms with this. But that can’t be avoided right?

My Weirdest Dreams!!

Zone Out!

Every now and then we should take some time off only for ourselves. The people can be tiring. The same goes to work, the current situation of any kind. If you are stressing out, it’s always good to take some time off and fall off the earth. I know this for sure because I have experienced it first hand.

Here it goes!

After I finished college, I had to stay at home for a duration of approximately 5 months. Because my next course didn’t start until after 5 months. An Indian kid from a family like mine is not allowed to work till a certain age. So I was asked by my parents to stay at home with them for that time period because I will be moving to a place, which is 2500 km away from my house for my next course. I agreed to stay after a little emotional drama from my mother and my paternal grandmother. My home is in a town. So I had nothing much to do. And most of my school friends were away. My college was in a different place as well. So my college friends were all scattered.

I do not enjoy staying st home after a certain period of time. Sure the home cooked food was amazing after 5 years of hostel life. I loved staying close to my little brother as much as I can. But I did not have a cordial relationship from my mother. I still do not. I have come to terms with it many years ago. But staying in the same house was a constant reminder. We kept arguing for silly reasons when my brother was at school. I tried to leave with my father when he left for work often. I was also getting some much-needed sleep at home. But the fights with my mother was emotionally draining. After a couple of months, for the first time in my life I felt like breathing in my home was very difficult. I struggled to breathe freely. Crying myself to sleep became a routine. Eating was also starting to become a difficult activity. I was slowly falling into depression and was brave enough to admit it to my best friend at least. I did not have any of my friends to talk with in person. A few people who have known that I won’t be comfortable at home kept checking on me via texts. But nothing helped. I also found the reason for my turmoil at home very contradicting. I mean who doesn’t like to be with their parents? That was the first time I really, badly wanted to take some time off. I decided to go to a happy place. So I told my parents that I have some work to do in college. my college is a good 450 km away from my home town (located in Chennai). Also, I did have some work to do with regard to my certificates. I had some money saved. I used it to stay in a very nice home stay service (it is kinda like air bnb in a professional way) and for my food expenses.

I came to Chennai. I instantly felt better. I really wanted to fall off the earth. So I only told my best friend the details about my trip (just in case) and no one else. Except for updating my best friend I didn’t use my phone for anything else. I have taken some books with me so I started reading in the gardens of the place where I was staying. I ordered my favorite food from the restaurant I like. I started feeling better. I slept very late but I was woken up for breakfast. I wanted to go to my favorite places but I didn’t want to run into anyone I knew. So I refrained to a nearby Starbucks and a waffle place. I spent most of my time reading and watching movies. I also did a little shopping. On the second night I found myself relaxing. The city had thousands of happy memories with my friends. I reminisced and took positive energy from them. I am afraid I can’t explain ‘drawing positive energy from memories’ in a better way. But it was what it was. I completely felt energized and relaxed. I had regained my patience to tackle my mother for the 2 remaining months. I felt happy and grateful for getting to spend some alone time. Needless to say, I tackled the next 2 months well and left for my new course.

That two days are one of the most important days in my life. I read a lot and thought about a lot of things. I realized the importance of good mental health. Thankfully I escaped from falling into actual depression. I’d like to think that I saved myself. It’s a coping mechanism I guess. It is not a wrong thing to want to take care of your mental health. People who are blessed with awesome families, lean on to them. People who have faith, lean on to god. people who have an amazing best friend like me, lean on to them. I am pretty sure when they are in trouble you can be their strength. (god may not be in trouble, just fyi). The measures you take can be as simple as going to the beach or buying shit from target. The thing you love will be therapeutic no matter how silly it is. If you are living in a city you can go to the mall and watch people eat pretzels or ice cream. Taking absolute time off from the world is the best thing you can do for your mind and help it to remain peaceful.

Desire

When we think, “wow I am good with everything that is happening right now”, there’s a possibility of us getting hit by the biggest truck. In most cases. In my case life never fails to keep me active. I always wonder, why don’t we like things as it is? Like feeling the need for a better couch after moving into a new house. Till yesterday the old couch would have been perfect. There is nothing wrong in being ambitious or wanting the best things for our-selves. But the yearning keeps us less satisfied all the time.

Lets break it down one by one.

Parents. I know that most of us do not have the perfect parents. There can be issues related to emotional, financial sometimes religious relationships between us and our parents. But I think it is safe to say that our parents brought us up with the freedom which was not given to them. That is one of the most important reasons why always a parent bombards us with a story, that starts with “In my time, I had to walk 5 miles to school” or incidents like that. How do we feel about it? “I will happily walk to school instead of sitting next to a bully” or when our parents wants to hug us in front of our friends we feel that they are embarrassing us. Also some of us feel parents are emotionally distant. Basically if 10 things are right we concentrate on the one bad thing to complain about.

When it comes to school it’s the same thing. If the school excels in sports, the mathletes complain about the lack of funds for their math program.

We always yearn for better facilities, accommodations, opportunities, abilities, skills, clothes toys and what not. Needless to say about the financial expectations.

Some can argue that the essential thing in today’s fast developing world. Yes I agree. But our desire does not end when the essential needs are fulfilled. For example, we want showers in multiple directions when one big shower can fulfill the need. Why does that happen?

I think in today’s world we feel the need to prove our existence. We feel invisible where there is nothing to fight for. We struggle a lot to show every one that we exist. We live in this planet and we have got a purpose. So the need for finding a reason to rebel everything can be related to the need for visibility in this world. We I put it in that way, desire doesn’t seem that bad right?

I chose to write about this because, people who want things, concentrate on improving their home are branded as the greedy ones. If you are a millennial, I am damn sure you must have come across someone who felt you are greedy.  But we try to feel our existence in this world by such means. Do not feel ashamed to pursue what you desire. All the complaining will lead to a day where you will feel the enlightenment. When you feel that take your time to apologize to people who you have hurt in this process. If you feel that you might have hurt your parents, call them now. They will forgive you without expecting anything. They may understand our desire or they might not. But we can choose to not be like them.

Have a happy living.

What Was I Thinking!

What was I thinking,

When I thought I could fly to the moon,

When I thought I could actually find the grandma working in the moon,

When I thought ET was going to stay back,

When I thought I could play with fire,

When I thought the thorns in the roses won’t hurt me,

When I thought taking a pencil box designed with the alphabets to my 1st grade exam was not a mistake,

When I  thought bitter guard was going to taste yummy because my mom said so,

When I thought my 2nd grade bff was going to be my best friend forever,

When I thought falling off a bicycle was cool,

When I thought no one can break my heart,

When I thought that every story was going to have a happy ending,

When I thought finding love was very easy,

When I thought the “match” was actually made in heaven,

When I thought forgiving was an act, at ease,

When I thought Stephen Hawking could actually solve the mysteries of the universe,

When I thought I could see the stars at 6 pm,

When I thought I could eat my way out of mind fucks without becoming fat,

When I thought listening to “hey mickey” at 2 am was going to help me sleep,

When I thought Jesse and Celine would meet after 6 months on December 16th to declare their love,

When I thought the promise of forever would actually last for ever.